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July 15th, 2006
02:08 pm - New Job, World Cup, Zidane
Well I have a new job! I'll be working the front desk at a hotel near the airport. It will be a huge change of pace from my current job, but I think I'll like it.
Well I spent a month, from June 9 to July 9, glued to any tv I could find watching the World Cup. Actually I spent virtually the whole group stage in an Irish pub, which destroyed my aversion to drinking before noon, but that is another story.
This is easy to post after the fact, but I did in fact predict two things before the tournament started:
1) USA would not get past the group stage
2) Italy would win
I was proven right on both accounts. I was disappointed that most of the football powerhouses, like England and Brazil, really failed to perform. They did their job and got out of the group, but with the talent they have, they should have done much better.
I am a huge Zidane fan, so naturally I was rooting for France, especially after the group stage when Zidane started putting on his inspired performaces. Obviously, I was dismayed about the now infamous headbutt that Zidane delivered to Materazzi, earning himself a send-off. I have called Materazzi every name I could think of. In the end, I think Materazzi deserved it. I only wish Zidane had waited like 20 minutes. Then he could have hit Materazzi with the cup.
In no way did the incident make him any less of a brilliant footballer, and he will rightfully take his place among the legends Pele and Maradonna.
Current Location: My apartment
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June 1st, 2006
09:29 pm
Well I've settled down since the other day. I'm looking for a new job. I finally got fed up with working for my uncle. It's too far of a drive from where I live now, and I really need not to work for a family memember anymore. So I've applied to several places. I want to do something that I will actually enjoy rather than something I view as complete drudgery like my current job. I like books, so I applied to a couple of big bookstores. I applied to Dillards at the mall that is like two miles from my house because it is close and the pay is decent. I've become interested in the hotel business, though. For some reason I really want to land a front desk agent job. I've applied to 3 local hotels and am going to send in my application/resume to two more tomorrow. I haven't heard anything back from anyone yet though! It's kind of frustrating. Oh well.
Current Mood:  awake
Current Music: Jimmy Buffet - Margaritaville
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May 31st, 2006
08:47 pm
Which Firefly Character Are You?
You are Shepherd Book! You're a passenger on Serenity, looking to carry the good word to far reaches that might need it -- or so you say. You've got a bit of mystery surrounding your identity, but you keep it under cover. You're always willing to chip in, whether it's providing cover fire in a gunfight or sharing your home-grown veggies.
Take this quiz!
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08:37 pm
My pirate name is:
Mad John Rackham
Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.
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May 30th, 2006
05:43 pm - Post-Ireland/What is really wrong with me...
So did I talk to her when I came back? No. I have been back for nearly two weeks and have not spoken to her or seen her. What happened?
I was really in love with this girl. I was willing to do whatever it took and wait however long I had to wait. I have put a lot of myself into this "relationship" and taken hits and given up things. I was unable to move forward in any real way with my consideration of the priesthood because of her. I have potentially lost a job with the bishop because of her. But I was willing to make these sacrifices because I believed that we could be good together. The day before I left for Ireland I was having a horrible day. My car broke down. I saw Therese and Stephanie and when they got ready to leave, Therese did something, albeit unintentionally, that really hurt my feelings. As Therese walked off without so much as a goodbye, knowing that I would not see her again before I left for Ireland, I said "I guess this is goodbye..." She responded "Yep." She began to just walk away. Only when Stephanie stayed to say goodbye to me (because she remembered I was leaving) did Therese come back and say goodbye. I know she didn't mean anything by this, she just forgot, but Stephanie remembered. What it showed me was how much I mean to her - next to nothing.
So I went to Ireland and found myself thinking of Therese less frequently. I was even starting to think about other girls. I realized that I could live without her. I realized that there could be life without Therese. This weakened my resolve to do whatever for however long it takes considerably. My desire to keep trying and to keep putting myself on the line and making sacrifices diminished. I realized that maybe she didn't mean as much to me as I had thought.
A trusted professor of theology of mine who knew about the situation advised me not to call her when I returned. He said I should wait and see if she would call me. That would give me answers. I had no intention of taking his advice. But when I returned I didn't have the desire to call her or to see her, even though my feelings hadn't really changed. So I didn't, and I haven't and the professor was right. She hasn't called and that has given me answers. It shows me her intentions and what I mean to her.
So here I am. Half of me still doesn't want to see her or talk to her because I just can't handle it right now. The other half tells me that I should have one last conversation with her so I can have closure. If I leave loose ends lying around it might bother me for a long time. But I don't think I'll have that conversation with her. Why? Because I am a coward. Because I am not brave enough. I don't have the courage or strength or energy to do this anymore. I have been struggling with this all semester and I can't do it anymore. I'm easily discouraged and I have a ton of things to be discouraged about with this. I had this romantic idea of mounting my white charger and going in after her and not minding if I got knocked on my ass. But that is gone now. My resolve has weakened. I see that the fight was really lost long ago.
So let me go back to what Mark said to me today. Am I fit for the priesthood? The answer is no. Of course I am not. I don't even know if I want to be a priest. I'm not good enough for it. As much as I criticize some of the less orthodox priests around here, I'm confident that they are better priests than I could ever hope to be. But Jesus tells me that it is not I who chose Him, but He who chooses me. That gives me some hope. If God wants me to be a priest, I will do it. If he doesn't, I will not.
So, again, here I am. Struggling to find a new job, struggling to come up with money, struggling against my roomates and eroding friendships, struggling with the baggage from a relationship that never existed, struggling with the priesthood decision, struggling with what I am supposed to do with my life, just....struggling.
Current Mood:  depressed
Current Music: "Over my head" - The Fray
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05:21 pm - More of my drama
So why did I get so mad about the place being trashed in the first place? Sure I was naturally pissed that my two roomates didn't appear to have lifted a finger to clean ANYTHING while I had been gone. Of course I was angry that yet again I would be the one cleaning up their messes. So naturally I was mad. But why did I blow up at the former best friend? His name is Mark, by the way.
I think the reason I blew up had little to do with garbage or dishes at all. I have been so discouraged and depressed lately about my life. In addition to my struggle to overcome my own sinfulness, I have faced several other stuggles. I have been struggling over whether I am supposed to become a priest. I have been struggling to pay the rent each month. I have been having problems with my job (because I work for my uncle...don't mix family and business) and have been looking for a new one. And now I stuggle with this baggage that now exists from my non-relationship with Therse. Ah, Therese. This will require some backstory...
I met Therese in September of last year. She was the president of the Frassati Society, a religious group at school, for last school year. In about November I started hanging out more with Mark and the other core Frassati members, including, of course, Therese, Stephanie (yes THE Stephanie), and Scott. Mark and I struck up a good friendship. They all lived in this building close to school called the Imperial House, which is the building Aquinas uses for student housing. So At the end of December I moved in with Scott, who had no roomate. I was gradually developing a crush on Therese. By late January my feelings were becoming more serious, but I learned that she had been discerning a religious vocation (read: nun) and had decided in May of 2005 not to date for a year. At the end of February there was a fiasco when she was uncomfortable going to dinner with my mom and I. In the mean time Mark had gotten dumped in a scandalous episode and had decided to move out of Imperial and asked Scott and I to go in with him on a three bedroom apartment somewhere else. So on February 28 Therese told me she just sees me as a friend and the next day, March 1, Ash Wednesday, I moved out of Imperial to an apartment complex about 5 miles away. I thought it was over between us for good. But I kept spending time with her. We even spent a fair amount of alone time together. Until one day we both realized that the staus of our relationship was ambigious. Were we dating? Were we just friends? We didn't really seem to know. She didn't really seem to want to date. She revealed that she had asked her spiritual director (who, in an ironic twist of fate happens also to be my spriritual director...our campus priest) about "this guy who she had been spending time with" and he told her not to continue to see this guy. So we talked...and talked...and talked. We decided not to change anything. If our relationship stayed the same, so be it. If it developed into dating, so be it. I was comfortable with this, thinking that God could really work in this situation to bring us together, if we were meant to be, or not, if it was not His will. But only a week or two later, she became uncomfortable with disobeying her spiritual director. She wanted his permission. She told me that she was like 80% sure she was supposed to be a nun. I asked her what the other 20% was that made her unsure, and she replied "you." Wow. I never saw that coming. So we talked and talked more. We talked about maybe starting a relationship. Then she went home and couldn't sleep and convinced herself that she was doing something wrong and came back and told me that we shouldn't see each other anymore unless she could get permission from Father. Then she changed again, saying she didn't want to ask him about it again. I was about to leave for Ireland so we agreed to wait and then talk again after I returned. Which brings me to today...
Current Mood: depressed
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04:42 pm - Trying to keep it together, but I'm falling apart
It's been so long since I have posted here. But I have some things that I need to vent about and no one to talk to so here I am.
I've just spent a good amount of time arguing with one of my roomates and former best friend over text messages on my cellphone, like a teenage girl. What were we arguing about? I ran the dishwasher and didn't put in his dirty cheese-dip filled dishes that were in the sink. He didn't think my load justitified the cost of running the dishwasher. Meanwhile, he runs the air conditioner 24/7/365. I shouldn't have to use extra blankets to keep warm in bed in the freaking summer months in Tennessee!
I guess this argument is really a boil over from last week when I went off on him over the phone about the cleanliness of the apartment. First of all, we've been in this place since March. I have two roomates, and neither of them have cleaned up after themselves since that time. As far as I could tell, it was mostly me who took out the trash, did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen or the bathroom (which me and the former best friend share). So I was gone to Ireland for about two weeks. I come home to find about 10 bags of garbage out on the porch, nasty dishes in the sink (including old pizza crust floating in one side of the sink), trash and magazines and a BICYCLE in the living room. I was with my mom and grandma when I came home. Embarrasing! Not to mention the fact that there is hair constantly EVERYWHERE in the bathroom. I do not even have that much freaking hair. But I didn't say or do anything for about 3 days. Then I took it upon myself to clean that stuff up. The dishes were nasty (I didn't touch the pizza side), and the garbage was overrun with maggots. I was seriously pissed. So I texted one roomate and said that the three of us needed to have a meeting like that day. He laughed and asked if I was going to tell him to clean the kitchen. I said yes, or probably something like "you're damn right" and he said then no meeting was necessary. I reiterated the need for a meeting and later asked him when he was going to be home. So he calls and I say I'm not doing this on the phone, but he keeps on so I go off. In his usual manly and oh-so-mature manner, he calls me a baby, tells me to stop crying, and wonders whether I need a tissue. At that point I probably dropped the f-bomb. I was out late that night and the next day I noticed he had indeed cleaned up what I refused to clean. We didn't speak or see each other for a week. This past Saturday he texts me and says we need to make peace. I say ok. So things are smoothing out until today with the dishwasher.
To be fair I didn't handle the situation well last week with the swearing and all. I'm sorry about the way I handled it, but I'm not sorry for getting pissed and telling him he needs to help clean the place up. Today I was a bit of a smart-ass with him when he texted me, but I didn't ever say anything that I should regreat.
On the other hand today he told me, all in text messages, mind you, because he says he doesn't have minutes to waste on this, that I was a child and I wasn't ready for the real world and I needed to move back home with mommy. He also kept mentioning religion - and using it as a weapon. You see we are all three Catholics here. Anyways, he brought up the priesthood several times, saying I wasn't fit for the priesthood, that I should leave the priesthood alone for the sake of other Catholics, that I am a hypocrite, and that I say things in front of him that I wouldn't say in front of the pope. I would say everything I said today in front of whoever. He ends by calling me brother and saying he will pray for me! As if he is holy and I am unrighteous! I wanted so badly to say that I didn't care for his prayers, but I didn't.
Things weren't always this way. Our fighting really started back in February and it was caused by our involvement, or lack thereof, with a couple of girls we know. They are roomates. We are (or were) all friends. His girl dumped him, and he later found out that she and I had been e-mailing each other. She would talk about him and what to do about him, and I would ask her about her roomate, Therese, who I fancied. He immediately began suspecting that she had dumped him for me. That caused huge fallout. I thought he was being rather hypocritical about being mad at me, since I didn't do anything that he didn't do with Therese. The only difference was I only e-mailed Stephanie (his ex) while he would actually spend sometimes an hour or two talking with Therese, alone, in her apartment. So he got jealous and suspicious of me, while I was a bit jealous and suspicious of him. It became a running theme with him. He would constantly mention it or make little comments or jokes about me and Stephanie. It caused a whole lot of unnecessary drama and it turned out to be 100% unfounded. Stephanie maintains that she has never liked me in the romantic way, ever.
Now seems like a good place to stop and start a new post.
Current Mood:  Angry and depressed
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November 3rd, 2005
10:07 pm
So, Monday I was talking with a classmate of mine who is a fellow convert, and she suggested that I look to see whose feastday it was when I came into the Church (March 31). Turns out it is the feastday of Saint Stephen, the first martyr. So I have added him to the long list of saints I regularly ask for intercessory prayers.
Here lately I have been asking for prayers from the following saints:
Blessed Virgin Mary (Our Lady of Sorrows and Our Lady of Solitude)
Saint Patrick (my chosen patron)
Saint Justin Martyr (my namesake)
My guardian angel
Saint Michael the Archangel (for protection from the devil)
Saint Pio of Pietrilcina
The English Carthusian martyrs
Saint Stephen
I started asking for the prayers of the English Carthusian martyrs after I read this article on Seattle Catholic. The article says Thomas More viewed their executions from his cell in the Tower of London and wrote, "Lo! Dost thou not see, Meg, that these blessed fathers be now as cheerfully going to their deaths as bridegrooms to their marriage?"
Amazing. Would I have the courage to do the same?
Current Mood:  contemplative
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October 24th, 2005
11:59 pm
I'm registering for spring classes tomorrow. Spring is going to be an interesting semester. I'm going to take Christian Themes in Art, Metaphysics, Shakespeare, Studies in East Asian History, and The Church (a course in ecclesiology - the theological study of the Church).
Also, I decided to do my political punditry on a new blog. The url is http://newcrusader.blogspot.com.
Current Mood:  tired
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